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Wednesday, July 30, 2025
down bad wtf
Friday, June 27, 2025
Monday, June 23, 2025
Just had the most hardcore dream loop just now. Tried to wake up from a nap several times, maybe even actually waking up a couple times, but just unable to do it. Fighting my eyelids to open, both irl and in my dream. Only broken by my grandma gently shaking me awake to inform me that she was melting some chocolate fondue in the dining room.
Writing this because it turns out, I was apparently talking in my sleep, or at least mouthing words. Both grandparents were in the room with me, and my grandpa told me about it. Oop. Embarrassing, and also unfortunately confirms that I may talk in my sleep quite often. The most extreme case happened a while back, written in my notes app:
Hooolllly shit dream
written Sept 8, 2024
Lomg story short uh i fucking woke up trying to scream for my mom. I made a "mmmimm" sound, the tone of trying to get someone's attention while scared.
I was on my phone in a room, laying down on two mattresses, very big, plushy comforters and all. Vent above the bed, dark room with a window pane wall thing to my left. I was watching scary ish videos on my phone. At one point i anticipated a jumpscare so i lazily took my heasphoned off. Then the tensions roze. Too much.
Now in the vent there was a hooded figure with scary eyes, 😨, making that face but sarcastic, one of its hands in view. No nose?? Like jeff the killer? Light green lighting. Too big. Looked like a picture. In the room to the right there was a correctly to scale figure. More cryptid like in structure but still standing up right. This kept changing actually lol
I was very scared, too much, cant breathe, fuck. I try to wordlessly scream, feels more like a wheeze (note that this was also subconsciously an attempt to wake up, or get someone else irl to wake me up by calling for help). Then i try to yell for my mom. But speaking felt so hard. Muffled, couldn't properly open my mouth.
On the outside, i imagine, this sounded like a weird wheeze/silent scream, then "mmimmm", at regular talking volume. Then i woke up to my dad saying "are you okay?"
This now unfortunately confirms that i do make these wheezey scream attempts in real life, so previous instances just werent heard before by my family. and that in this instance i spoke in my sleep, meaning i may have done that before and it may happen again. This makes me uncomfy lol
Sidenote, every instance of me trying to scream in my sleep happened while i happened to be laying on my back.
Also also, the room was partially lit by a night light, though it's colors kept changing as well. warm colored, then cold white light. Actually not sure if thats correct now. Mostly dark, brown lighting coming from nowhere. A cozy darkness. Until it wasnt. Then it was black, normal dark.
Fucking freaky. Thankfully I didn't have a nightmare or anything this time. I was just in a scenario where my grandma's house was suddenly bigger and had hidden places we haven’t explored before. Like her pantry with all of the towels and washcloths was actually a HUGE walk in closet, you just needed to walk in and turn left., past the initial shelves. Also, first floors and basements got all mixed up, the basement was suddenly an attic, which I’m honestly not sure this house actually has irl (they have a door looking thing in the ceiling, but they never mentioned that it is an attic, nor ever going up there, idk. But it definitely seems like an attic could fit up there, a small one but still. Even if it just has space for utility stuff or whatever, I really wanna see if it is a thing.) But anyway in the basement/attic whatever, I made it a mission to explore and collect trinkets. It's how I used to think of the basement irl, before it was more “finished” and it felt really big and dark, with many interesting things to be found around. I’d explore the area with a flashlight sometimes. My brother was with me through all this, and I was actually enjoying his presence for once (no offence, we’re just very different right now and don’t get along much irl). We were exploring the house together. The labyrinthian pantry closet (which was now in the basement I guess), led further and further, and we found another door. This was very exciting. We opened it and continued further. Btw it was all carpeted mostly, well lit if not slightly cramped with how much storage there was. Not hoarding, just big shelves of stuff. When we passed through the other door, I think the floor changed to concrete but it was the same color as the beige carpet. Found a room that was just spider webs, but only 3 spiders. Gross, the only not cool part. I aggressively urged me and my brother to leave the room immediately. Blah blah blah, and during this I was stuck in the waking up/falling asleep loop. And then I woke up. Pretty weird, but I quite enjoy the urban exploration dreams.
Thursday, June 19, 2025
🌈UPDATE: The Pride Parade🌈
This weekend went well! Nothing went down, thank fuck. I was dressed as a mushroom for the day of. Also for some inexplicable reason, my very Mormon grandparents on my dad’s side decided to attend with us. Initially I was like hmm okay at least they’re opening up, but it was clear that they, or at least my dad’s mom was, very uncomfortable. Refused to take one of the pride flags handed out. And my uncle, who was also there, apparently seemed off too. Other than the flag refusal, I wasn't aware of the other things until later. Thought that maybe I could make amends with my dad’s parents but it unfortunately seems not possible, not right now, that's for sure. My mom kept saying to be patient and open. From my perspective, I just can’t. Regardless of whether or not they will change at all, or are trying to, I don't have to hold their hand. Like OF FUCKING COURSE I’m weary of any kind of potential bigotry right now, so its not a surprise that i want nothing to do with it. I’ve lost pretty much any and all emotional connection to them anyway.
But anyway. Other than that, the ACTUAL worst thing to happen that day was that I got heat exhaustion and patchy, painful sunburns. The most perplexing spot was on my right shoulder. Again i was wearing a bigass mushroom hat, how did that happen??
Speaking of that,
On the way down the streets of downtown, and even from people IN THE PARADE, I got so many compliments aaaa!!! Made me so happy, it was so fun and good. I screamed in joy the entire parade (or whatever my equivalent to screaming is, soft screaming?), waved my little flags voraciously. Smiled so much. I love people :)! Especially my fellow queers.Also looked up pictures of the parade, news coverages, etc. I was trying to find if any of them had pictures of me, since I think my mom said a person with a camera took a picture of me at one point. Couldn’t find any. But found several videos of different angles of the parade.
Also Batman was there. Deadass. Yes there is a picture. (edited so I don't reveal location)