Okay so. Y'all. These are images made in a series of dress up games by Rinmaru. Ofc I'm the one dressed in pink for most of these. And the guy? Is a guy who I was friends with, and has appeared in my dreams again. Bro whyyy. Making me feel feelings and shit. My subconscious loves to remind me that I do in fact miss him a shit ton. No this is not the first time I expressed these feelings by playing a bunch of two person dress up games and saving the images on my devices. And no, this is not the first time he's appeared in my dreams. Many are pleasant, some devastating. This latest one, however, was quite lovely.
I was, of course, at school again (another repeating theme) but then I figured out that he was there! We were so happy to see each other and hugged. Swapped Discord contacts. Later messaged me asking if we should reconnect, and I verbatim responded "YES" in all caps, despite further attempts to text being difficult because its hard to text in a dream apparently lol. We went over to each other's houses (when ever it was either my house or "his" kept swapping randomly), and cuddled while wearing blanket hoodies and watching YouTube on his wall mounted TV. So intimate and close, so happy. NOT sexual, just cuddly happy feelings. The closest feeling to what I think romantic attraction feels like. Later found out that he was a smoker, but at that point I didn't care because I was with him. Even asked me, while at my house, where he could put out his cig, and he put it out in a blue glass ash tray that was atop a tv tray in front of my front door, outside. Lol, dream weirdness. Don't remember much else as that was the "main feature" of the dream anyways.
Extra Yapping...
BTW, to clarify, we stopped being friends due to simply drifting apart. I had to transfer out of a "gifted" highschool because it was too much, we didn't know I was autistic yet, and oh yeah, THE PANDEMIC. That fucked my shit all the way up. I drifted away from friends, didn't get a proper goodbye/graduation ceremony, worsened my state of being. My life was beginning to actually go somewhere. I actually had friends, ALOT of friends. But this guy, and one other person, was who I was closest with. We were on the same wavelength (bc of the autism/adhd lol). They deeply cared for me, and I deeply cared for them. I hate it had to be this way. Fuck covid. No they're not dead, as far as I'm aware, they're just...off doing their own stuff now. Admittedly, I'm mainly yearning for him, because the other one is my ex technically. Turns out, can't do long distance, shucks. AND I'm aro! Wowie, wish I knew sooner so I didn't have to waste anyone's time. Despite that, though, I still yearn for closeness, intimacy, I guess in the traditional "romantic way", but with all of the friendship still there. Yes, I'd like to kiss and fuck my friends. I'd love to cuddle. All of that. This remained constant throughout my life. Queerplatonic, is what it is. I want that. I want him. But do I really want him specifically? Or what he represented? Or how he was as a person? I don't know. I'm reluctant to reach out, rejection sensitivity is one reason, but also since he deleted his Instagram account, our main source of contact at one point, and the only other thing I'm aware of is his Facebook, but me messaging him on there would imply that I looked for him, which I did. I'm ashamed, but I searched the web for him. I just wanted to know, where he is, how he's doing. I really don't want this to turn into another limerence problem, I don't wanna become obsessed. My current status is a more passive "obsession". I think of him again, likely bc of a dream, then it drifts away, until next time. I will be careful. I now know the limerence happens due to neglect and getting ostracized. It hurts. I will be careful.
But yeah. I do appreciate these dreams while I'm having them, but they sure don't help in the real world sometimes. I guess this is a healthy outlet for that. I really hope I can find my person/people again. FUCKK I hate this. Make it stop, it hurts.
