So to cut to the chase, I've been feeling discouraged from going back to a certain social group I go to in my city, not disclosing what. Been going there for so long and I've still been unable to make any friends. Also been trying to hold down feelings of anger and envy towards all of the other people there making friends, especially one person who I will not name, who sexually objectified me, has apparently been able to make a GROUP of friends. Meanwhile I was there for much longer than them. I’m getting sick of how fucking stand offish everyone is. Maybe I need to finally go to an all adult thing. As I slowly transition to finally being an adult (I'm 19) I may need to transition to a new social group. Since I'm sure the social ineptness of all of the teens there isn’t helping my case. To be clear, this group advertises itself as a youth support group, however many times adults/young adults are there too. Mostly in the form of volunteers but I'm sure in some cases, they just needed a support group for the demographic that we’re in. Again, not disclosing. Perhaps if I go to a similar but more adult oriented group, it will work out better for me. But hell, with my luck, the same thing will just happen there, AGAIN. Being excluded and ignored. I’m nothing but kind and respectful, I KNOW I'm not a boring person, I don't cause drama or fights or rumors or any of that garbage. Yet even within a group for the outsiders of society, I'm still not completely welcome. The staff is wonderful there, they do everything they can to be welcoming and awesome, but i must admit i didn't come there to make friends with the staff. Especially since the lot of them are roughly in their 30s. Also feel they’re under an obligation to talk and be friendly anyway, so does it even count? Ignoring the age for a second, would we even be friends outside of this environment?
Here’s a funny thing, I’ve brought this concern up to them so many fucking times. To “them” I mean staff AND the people attending. BE MORE OPEN. BE MORE FRIENDLY. BE INCLUSIVE. On their Discord, I have literally BEGGED these people to just TALK to me. But no, so many of these fuckers have their own little friend groups and aren’t open to letting anyone else in, time and time again. Why are you even here? Idk , I guess you could just come here with your friends but still. I must start going to more adult things now, as I'm realizing that I'm beginning to be too old for most people there to want to be friends with me, I guess. Is it that simple of a fix, or is society inevitably going to look down on me no matter what fucking group I'm in, no matter what i do? ALSO wanna clarify again, I PARTICIPATE, I ENGAGE, I LAUGH, I JOKE. I do what I can, so its not a case of ME being asocial.
Here's all the times where I've cried for help or any connection I could find *through the Discord*, in chronological order (some of these are supposed to be read bottom to top, read the timestamps):
All that to say, I've pretty much given up on them. Well, on GOING there, I guess. For now. Idk. I've failed again and I’m not going back for a third or fourth try. There’s a small chance that someone from there is reading this, since I did share this website on their discord server. I, um…hi? And goodbye, I suppose? If you truly wanted to be friends with me, you missed your shot.
Here’s the next thing. So with my story, Fraegrune, I’ve posted the first story posts on Insta and Amino. This is mainly about Insta so here we go. I used to HEAVILY rely on that fucking platform for the attention and validation of my peers, people i actually went to school with, mainly middle school. I truly hate to say this, but so far in my life, middle school was when I peaked. I had a large friend group, more people were talking to me and being so kind and awesome. My self esteem was at its highest so far. They were following me on Instagram. I felt happy and that I was truly IN a community. And I was! But of course. It's not middle school anymore. I think everyone my age has since graduated and are off doing other things in their lives. These days I don’t try to look but I unfortunately get a glimpse of their lives when I don't want to upon opening the app. They have friends, new friends. They’re going out to concerts, vacations, parties, making something of their lives. While I'm just. At home. Alone. They don’t care about me anymore. The pandemic/lockdown started the year we were supposed to graduate middle school. We couldn’t give proper goodbyes. Final hugs and tears of sadness and joy. No fun end of year activities with my friends. Just an abrupt cut off. I feel, mentally, stuck at the age of 13/14. I still think of them from time to time. I still instinctively want their approval.
So the point I’m making is. I post to Instagram, but the love is gone. Granted, maybe they just deadass aren’t seeing the posts bc zuckerberg is an idiot and decided to completely change how his social platforms operate, replacing the posts with ads or letting the explore page spill into the home page. But still. They are either not seeing me, or don’t care anymore. So it feels completely pointless to post on there now. Not sure if i should delete it, probably won’t. There’s memories there. But I will no longer post. Maybe one more “I will be posting on my websites from now on” and leave it at that. Yes i did just go on a ramble there but i was thinking that i should make a blog JUST for posting my story. Seems cool, right? But it sucks only because I made that little banner thing that said “new post on Insta and Amino!” when that will likely not apply anymore. Lol, guess i just need to make a new one, oh well. It wasn’t too hard, it just took a bit.
That’s all I wanted to say today, I suppose. Other than the commissions will be open once I make the “menu” for it. Basically I just need to take pictures of every example of product available, so that anyone can see what it is AND their prices. Also, to the people filling out the form at the bottom with keysmash, um. Can you not? Lol. Fuckers. Like you know that it appears in my email, right?
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